Alive, Sober, and Grateful

I am a Youth Director. I work with teens ages 12-18.

A lot of my kids are struggling right now one in particular has been to the ER twice in the past month because of her eating disorder. This is very scary to say the least.

Working with teenagers is hard work and can be very frustrating at times. But I learn so much from them.

This girl struggling with her eating disorder really makes me think hard about my struggles and my recovery.

They say that step 11 you have reached a point of sanity. It is only now that I realize how terrifying my addiction was and how dangerous. There were moments throughout the past six years where I became afraid for my life. I remember spending all night vomiting and then the next morning not being able to move because my potassium and electrolytes were so messed up. I was terrified because I didnt know what was going on with my body, why couldn't I move my legs? why couldn't I get up?

But then I would continue to use the behaviors. No one could stop me, I couldnt stop me. I went into hospital again and again and nothing they said could stop the insanity and the hunger for the addictions high. They did everything they could to get me to stop. They tried to scare me, they tried to keep me in bed, they tried to yell, they tried to talk sweetly, they did everything they knew to do. But it wasnt enough. It is not their fault that they were not enough. The only thing that could relieve me from this madness was a higher power, I know that now.

I came to the program without hope of a solution, I just showed up b/c that was what I was told to do. I didn't believe anything would come from it, I didn't think that it was possible for me to find a sense of sanity and sobriety from this program when all other attempts had failed. I couldn't believe that after all the money that was spent for therapies and treatments that there was any hope. I thought I was just one of the ones that would never get better. I thought I was surely one of the ones that would die from her addiction. Somehow things started to change not all at once but attending meetings every week and listening to those around me who had found sobriety and those who were actively working towards living; my heart began to change...I began to think that maybe it was possible for me to get where they were.

I am alive today, sober and grateful.

-Hannah

I am a glad trudger on the road to happy destiny

Hey all, its been a long while since I've last posted on this blog. I know.

I have reached step 11 with my sponsor, and once I finish 11 and 12 that means its about time to start sponsoring people...that is terrifying but exciting all the same. I know that by serving others I will not only be aiding them but also strengthening my own sobriety. By then I will have a little more then a months sobriety under my belt. I'm at 21 days now without acting on any behaviors. Come feb. I will have been in the program for an entire year. A year of trudging the road of happy destiny.

The past two weeks have marked a time where I have felt content in my life. Some anxieties here and there but all and all I have been remarkably okay. My therapist asked me if I had been smoking pot. geeeez. haha I told her no that I just felt calm and that the insanity in my brain was quieter then it has been in a long while.

I want to get on my knees and praise my higher power for saving me. I know I sound like a bible thumper but I really believe I would be dead if it not for that higher power. Too many nights I debated whether or not to kill myself and get it over with, I believed the only way out from the torment of my insane thinking was to kill myself. Oh gosh I do sound like a bible thumper. shrug. What I've learned in the 12 step fellowship is that your higher power can be anything you want it to be! It can be The Great Pumpkin! The point of the higher power (among other things) is to recognize that there is something greater and bigger then you that can save you when you have tried and failed many a time to save yourself. Until I was willing to admit that I couldnt save myself and my higher power could and that I would let him I would have never known a serenity as I do now.

God thank you for sobriety today.

-Hannah

I'm THE BABY, gotta love me? five days sober.

It seems it has been a long while since I've posted. My apologies.

I've been on a tilt-a-wirl and have fallen down on my bum. I've spent the last week picking myself up and dusting myself off.

I've been going back over the 12 steps and taking a hard look at them and myself. I'm on step 10 with my sponsor and waiting for the go ahead. I'm learning so much about myself, and so much about life through these meetings and steps. I feel very blessed today. I also recognize that I am only five days sober from all behaviors. I am a five day old baby.

The milestones of a newborn:

"Comfortably curled
Because he was curled up inside your uterus until recently, your newborn baby will probably look scrunched up for a while, with his arms and legs not fully extended. He may even appear bowlegged.

Don't worry: Your baby will stretch out, little by little, and by the time he reaches 6 months, he'll be fully unfurled! In the meantime, as he adjusts to life outside the warm, safe confines of your womb, he may enjoy being wrapped snugly in a light blanket. Find out how to swaddle your baby safely.

> "Your baby will stretch out, little by little, and by the time he reaches six months, he'll be fully unfurled." I cannot wait to reach the stage in my recovery where I am able to comfortably stretch out my arms and legs!

Ruled by hunger and sleep
Food is the most important thing in your newborn's life, with sleep running a close second. Most newborns will eat every two to three hours around the clock.

>In early sobriety from my eating disorder eating has been crucial, uh duh. Self care is a primary focus to stay sober.


Tasting and smelling
Your baby already has a developed sense of taste. In fact, newborns seem to have more taste buds than adults do. Sensitivity to sweet and bitter tastes is present at birth.


>A SENSE OF WHAT COULD BE! (perhaps, maybe I'm stretching this a bit). LOL

Heres the point of the post; I am learning a lot. I am also learning to listen to the stories of others...instead of drowning in my own stories and self pity. I am blessed. I AM BLESSED to be able to see and hear again (or for the first time).

Five days sober is a beginning. I am realistic that to maintain a life I must maintain my sobriety longer then five days.

God keep us strong.

-Hannah

Recovery; the journey

"The Proverb has it that
The way of light often looks dark.
The way that goes forward appears to go backward.
The flat path looks hilly.
The power that is lofty looks like an abyss.
The power that stands firm looks flimsy.
What is in its pure state looks faded.
Great talents ripen late.
Great sound is silent.
Great form is shapeless.
The Tao is hidden and nameless.
Yet it alone knows how to render help and fulfill."

Oy Vey

These past few days I've felt so overwhelmed.

Fall and winter although my favorite times of years are also the times when I engage in the eating disorder the most...or crave it the most.

I feel like I havent worked the steps properly. I thought I was suppose to have the obsession taken away. Tonight a very large part of me (albeit the part that is bloated and added poundaged) wants the anorexia back.

Thing is I know that I can't have my life and have an eating disorder. I know that I cant have friends, or a job, or school or a dog if I have the eating disorder taking up all my time...but tonight...there is apart of me that wishes I could have both.

This is unhealthy talk, I know.

Also my closest friend...sometimes my only friend, we havent been as close this year as we have in the past. She too has an eating disorder. She cares so much about getting into the right school. That is important! but I feel like she has been blowing me off so often. I feel like she doesnt care about me anymore...and that sucks.

I am moving AGAIN...and I have two options. One move into the grove house..and two move into the house next to my fake parents. Here is the problem, my sponsor wants me in one and I want the other.

oy vey

-Hannah

1. Follow Directions, gain sobriety.

What I’ve learned: 1. Following Directions

Following Directions given by my Sponsor and therapist has been one of the biggest factors for me in finding sobriety from the eating disorder. I recently let my therapist, sponsor, and new nutritionist know that I am putting my full trust in them to get me to a healthy place. That is hard. That is hard for anyone but add on control issues, trust issues, trauma, loss etc. it’s no joke. I have spent eight months in the EDA/ABA fellowship. I’ve worked ten of the twelve steps.
I have kicked and screamed while smiling and saying thank you then cursing them under my breath.

Advice: Trust is following directions without hesitation. Trust is hard; but if you are willing to trust someone other then yourself you can recover, you can stay sober.

“WHEN all else fails, follow directions”

I would not be sober if it weren’t for the willingness to follow the direction of my sponsor.

• S.P.O.N.S.O.R= Sober person offering newcomers suggestions on recovery.

I would not be sober if I did not admit I was powerless to my eating disorder and that my life indeed had become unmanageable.

To be Continued…

Gaining Insight in Austin

For my work I was flown down to Austin, Texas.

I really had no idea what to expect. Austin is Arkansas's Little Rock and Washington's Seattle...but still very different. I love Austin.

This weekend I spent with young priests (WHICH WAS AWESOME!) and they took me out and we ate and hung out and I'm going to be honest...I've never felt more normal then when I was sitting there drinking with a priest, a teacher, and a sports fan.

I havent felt so, gawh I dont know how to say this...I felt like all these things that are weighing down on me were lifted if only momentarily. I got to have Austin just to myself, not to all the other things that I constantly think about.

I am going to selfishly claim Austin! It is MINE! haha Finding God in Texas...what a hoot.

For the past few days before coming to Austin I have been so incredibly critical of my body. This morning I looked in the mirror and laughed, yeah I'm curvy now. haha how cool is that. No added comment! no ugh I'm curvy which means I'm fat! ugh no little girls or boys body UGH....there was none of that! NONE OF IT!

I dont know what any of it means, but I'm not going to try to figure it out. I'm just taking it now and relishing in it.

I felt like a woman and I liked it. It was beautiful.

Thank you God for my life, for my woman's body, for friends, and for Austin!

Rock Bottom

I'm in a bitch'y mood.

Why?

Background: I told my therapist and my sponsor that I was going to trust them and do everything they ask me to do. I'm pissed off because its been two weeks without using behaviors and every night its like the bloodiest fucking battle you'll ever see in my head. I'm angry because I can't replace my brain. I'm angry because when I finally decide to trust them to do what is right...it seems even harder. I hit my rock bottom...or did I?

In 12 step you hit your bottom. I understand that to be when THE SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN...and you have seen it and recognized it for what it is. People have different bottoms. For some passing out is enough for a big smack of a wake up call. For some being held down while someone puts a tube down your nose should be enough. For some its simply the willingness to see how fucked up your life and relationships have become b/c of your insane thinking and behaviors towards food etc.

Sometimes I wonder...on nights like these, where the eating disorder thinking is on high I think that perhaps I havent reached my bottom...perhaps I should go back to the anorexia and bulimia so that I could go farther and farther down that road.

But what would be enough? Was being hospitalized six times enough? no. Was being in residential treatment two times enough? no. Was the passing out enough. no no no. the tube? no. being tackled by security guards at the children's hospital for refusing to get back in bed enough? NO. The heart problems? you guessed it NO. My body eating itself NO NO NO. none of this was enough. Even my mother's death wasnt enough to wake me up to how crazy my thinking was.

So what is it that is keeping me from going back to the eating disorder tonight?

I dont know haha. I know that there is something there...something that is holding on to the last bit to see if I can get through it.

I had a choice tonight, I could have skipped dinner but I didnt...but why? When the eating disorder is screaming so loudly in my ear that I truly feel as if I am going to explode...why did I eat dinner? The eating disorder was louder then "healthy Hannah" so WHY did I eat dinner?

A few things come to mind but dont seem to fit all together:

*I told my sponsor and therapist that I would follow their directions, that I would trust them. (in the past this wouldnt have meant shit. So why does it now?)
*the conversation I had with someone I made amends to.
*perhaps that there at this point is no turning back......

There are moments where I decide fuck this recovery shit, I"m gonna go straight back to the safety of the eating disorder....heres the thing....I'm not sure I can bear it. This is what makes this moment in my life so unbearable.

Its a struggle to be in recovery and its also a struggle to be in my eating disorder. As much as I cringe at the thought of trusting other people I also cringe at the action of vomiting again....or missing a meal.

Food is medicine.

My body and brain have PTSD because of all the years I abused it. So when I skip a meal its like no time has passed at all and they react to it...meaning for me that I become anxious, depressed, exhausted, angry, moody etc. etc. etc. at the snap of a finger when I have missed fueling time.

Right now I feel unsure about where I'm going with my life...and that is frustrating...b/c if I don't have a point then why the hell am I trying to recover...?! I have no idea who I am...that scares me.

God help me.

-Hannah

Theres no place like home.

Due to having shit for money...

I'm having to move into the grove house (which is one of my dad's houses he left behind when he moved away.) It sounds great right? WRONG!
this house is not the best environment for me in terms of my emotional health. When my dad left, he left me living all alone in that house. I got sick, really sick. I lost weight, fast...I wasnt really functioning.

Heres the thing. I'm not moving in the house on my own this time. My older brother and older sister live there. I love my family...I also recognize that I am a bit of a control freak with OCD.

I have two days to move in. I don't know how this is going to go.

This house is dark and dank. It's falling apart. Its depressing.

Groan, also my therapist wants to weigh me tomorrow. I dont want her to weigh me. I dont want anyone to weigh me.

I've moved six times in the last year. I've lived in my car. I've couch surfed like no other. I've driven around in my car for a few months with my entire life packed up in the back. I don't really have a place thats mine...I guess a home; I haven't in a long time. Thats so sad and sometimes makes me angry. Sometimes I pity myself...but I'm trying not to. I at least have a car. I have good people in my life. I have my life. I'm sober from my eating disorder. I have a great dog.

You know a lot of the time I dont have a place to stay b/c I find it very difficult to stay anywhere too long. You see...I'm really used to people leaving me, I guess. I guess when I start to relax is the time I start to not relax...if that makes any sense. I'm not familiar with stability ha.

I was born to a middle class family. To parents, both who were priests, and both loved each other and their children so much. We were THE family. We sat down for dinner every night. We went to siblings soccer games and plays. We supported each other. Sure we had our fights, but we were still THE family that all the troubled people came to in their time of desperation.

WTF happend! Well...a lot...AND THEN my mother died. We were "normal". And now I'm 22 years old, living on my own, trying to pay for school, therapy, meds, old doctor bills, etc. etc. etc. I'm 22 and I dont have a home base. I dont have these things I thought would and could never be taken away from me.

My Dad married some other lady...her family welcomed him in with open arms. He was hurt, he was broken and they took him in and helped him I think. Thing is...he left us. He left us for them. I know that my Dad loves me. I know that my Dad loves my siblings. I think he had to leave...I dont think he had a choice. I love my father. I want him to be happy. I want him to be healthy, and right now he is. He loves me, he left me...but I'm okay with that now.

I don't feel too connected with my family...I hope that by moving into the grove house I will be able to reconnect with my older siblings. maybe...maybe not (shrug).

-Hannah

Fuck you Peter Pan!

ugh,

I'm feelin' blue.

Probably b/c I'm tired.

I'm feeling really anxious, I have work tomorrow and last tuesday I had a sit down with my boss where she told me last sunday was a complete failure on my part, (which is very true). But man being told that you fucked up SUCKS. Now I feel sick and anxious because I want everything to go well. I work with teenagers. And it is the most terrifying work I could ever do!

Growing up is so hard. It is such an emotional pain in the ass. I feel like I am 12 years old. How in the world did I get to be 22? How did I get here?

Some days I want my eating disorder to take "control" again, b/c then I wouldnt have to be responsible for anything or anyone. But then I remember that I dont want that anymore. That even though growing up is one of the hardest things I've had to do, its worth the tears and anger and work then to be stuck disappointing everyone, disappointing myself. I'd rather be crying about how hard this shit is then be locked up in the hospital with a tube shoved down my nose...then to have people telling me when to eat, how to eat, when to go to the bathroom, when to move etc.

BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO FREAKIN' SCARY!

Is everyone as afraid as I am of growing up? Does everyone go through this? Because I feel like I'm crazy for how afraid I am.

IN CONCLUSION: Fuck you Peter Pan and your Neverland and your fucking youth for life with no responsibilities! fuck you.

Expecto Patronum

EXPECTO PATRONUMMMMMM!

Hey all,

I'm a Harry Potter fan through and through.

Last night my mind went into overload! Let me set the scene.

I'm having to move out of my apartment b/c its become too expensive...right. I dont have a place to go yet. right. I have a puppy who is driving everyone crazy. right. I told everyone that getting rid of puppy was not an option. right. People are mad. right.

So I'm over at my Fake Parents house (my parents dont live with me anymore, my dad in seattle and my mom in the world beyond or whatever. so I have fake parents who are there for me.) So I'm over at my fake parents house and for some reason or another my insane thinking crept up on me and latched its legs around my brain. It said...

"Yo gurl, you need yo anorexia and bulimia back!"

okay maybe not like that. But It was so out of the blue that I really almost started to cry! I'm totally serious! I was tearing up! So I'm starting to panic here, 'cause that voice is so convincing.

I'm in a 12 step fellowship, so my new knee jerk response is to call my sponsor. NEW knee jerk response. I couldnt get a hold of her. I thought the whole world was about to fall in on me! GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME...that kind of stuff.

I'm driving home having decided that I am just not gonna be able to eat dinner...as I reach the apartment I make an abrupt U-Turn and head to the nearest store to pick up a new scale, on my way I tried calling my sponsor again.

AND THE LORD SAID: YOU SHALL NOT BUY THE SCALE! she picked up.

sponsor: whats up?
me: AHHHH
sponsor and me (long good conversation, me parked in an empty parking lot)

conclusion: I am learning how to be a grown up, I'm learning that even though those insane thinking moments are there they are there not b/c I'm not working the program but b/c I have an eating disorder and it happens. I went home (without buying a scale) and ate dinner, then put myself to bed.

My expecto patronum resembles my sponsor saying to my eating disorder, "sit down, and shut the fuck up."

Thank you C.

-Hannah-

Skinny bitches

Hey all,

I hate the idea of writing a blog...of being a blogger....but then here I am blogging my blogger ways. I dunno why...perhaps b/c my older sister told me she hated blogs. anywho...

I'm enjoying a cup of soup at Panera/scratch that I ENJOYED past tense totally just finished it, and I started thinkin' grrrrroooooaaaan, ITS THEM!

It's the middle age women who have ripped bodies even as they carry their newly vaginally ejected babies. They come bouncing in here in their short tennis skirts after their lesson with Rufus the six foot tall male model tennis instructor.

I do not hate these women...but they do make me feel this extreme amount of..."THE WORLD IS SO UNFAIR!"

I'm 22, I'm in recovery for an eating disorder...I've put on weight...and these 40 something girlie women giggle on in, in their size XYZ pants and little girl bodies. I am sure they are lovely women who probably save starving babies in their spare time.

BUT COME ON!

I get this way sometimes. This NO NO NO! I OBJECT! stamp feet!

Its when I am feeling particularly body sensitive. ME! SENSITIVE! SHEW!

I'm going to kickboxing tonight! My roommate is this major athlete-ish bad ass.

I spent so many years starving/bingeing/purging rinse and repeat...that my body attacked itself...yes indeed my body was EATING itself! gross I know. But because of this my muscle mass has deteriorated...So I'm working on building my muscle back up again.

ah I'm sorry I am so scattered. LONG DAY.

-Hannah

The Way of the Wolf:Greetings fellow earthlings!

I hate starting new blogs...mostly because I never know how to begin them.

Hi, I'm Hannah and I am living in a life of stumbling recovery. I mean to say I am...hmmm. When I was 17years old I was diagnosed with anorexia/bulimia. I always try to do this blog thing about my recovery...then I feel shy about it. I have other blogs...one is about my dog Mollie. It is so much easier to write about a puppy eating your things then to write about recovery from an eating disorder. People don't look at you like your crazy because your dog ate your Game of Thrones book (just sayin')...

I'm 22 years old now. I've been in and out of treatments. Right now I am seeing my therapist who costs a pretty penny. She is out of network. I'm financially independent...which just means I got shit for money but I am not supported by my Dad's income.

I withdrew from college to focus on figuring life out...or just how to stay sober in my eating disorder.

I went to Carolina House for eating disorders twice, and have done the hospital thing six times. I've gained weight, I've lost weight, and done it all over again. I've been fat, thin, skinny, blimp all in one sitting.

I've done all the therapies and programs out there...at least it feels that way: animals, art, dance, shake your soul, DBT, one on one, family, fear foods, food and feelings, Celebrate Recovery, 12 step, OA, EDA, screaming, crying, laughing, running, hitting, etc. etc. etc. SO I guess I've been around the block.


I've been told the way to a happy life is:

*lose weight
*gain weight
*laugh more
*cry more
*cry less
*more grains
*less grains
*more veggies
*an apple a day keeps the doc away.
*God
*prayer
*support
*lose weight
*gain weight
*ensure
*boost
*lose weight
*gain weight

I use to do art. I was pretty damn good too. But after my mother died when I was 19 I lost all desire to paint...instead I put all my thoughts into self destruction.

Now here we are....I am 22 years old. I am financially independent. I am in a stumbling recovery of an addiction to self destruct.

I texted my therapist (yes indeed I texted her! you get a few extra bonuses when your therapist costs an arm and a leg), and asked her if she could help me make an appt. with an old nutritionist I saw like twice. This marks a very scary time in my life...that I am willing to go see a nutritionist in the state I'm in. Let me explain.

I am no longer that anorexic girl...I am not being asked to gain weight (which in my insane thinking is very validating, that is being asked to gain) instead this past year after I discovered the effects of alcohol and bread and butter...I have put on weight that to my horror quickly went past the maintenance weight suggested. I am not obese...but I am uncomfortable. I am willing to go to a nutritionist to hear what she has to say...but me being me I have already decided that she will call me a fatty and how much of a disgrace I am....okay maybe thats the insane thinking...perhaps she will not say that...

I am afraid of people telling me how to be happy...I am afraid that they are wrong. I am afraid that they are angry with me.

God give us strength to do the work we know we gotta do.

thanks,
-Hannah-