I'm THE BABY, gotta love me? five days sober.

It seems it has been a long while since I've posted. My apologies.

I've been on a tilt-a-wirl and have fallen down on my bum. I've spent the last week picking myself up and dusting myself off.

I've been going back over the 12 steps and taking a hard look at them and myself. I'm on step 10 with my sponsor and waiting for the go ahead. I'm learning so much about myself, and so much about life through these meetings and steps. I feel very blessed today. I also recognize that I am only five days sober from all behaviors. I am a five day old baby.

The milestones of a newborn:

"Comfortably curled
Because he was curled up inside your uterus until recently, your newborn baby will probably look scrunched up for a while, with his arms and legs not fully extended. He may even appear bowlegged.

Don't worry: Your baby will stretch out, little by little, and by the time he reaches 6 months, he'll be fully unfurled! In the meantime, as he adjusts to life outside the warm, safe confines of your womb, he may enjoy being wrapped snugly in a light blanket. Find out how to swaddle your baby safely.

> "Your baby will stretch out, little by little, and by the time he reaches six months, he'll be fully unfurled." I cannot wait to reach the stage in my recovery where I am able to comfortably stretch out my arms and legs!

Ruled by hunger and sleep
Food is the most important thing in your newborn's life, with sleep running a close second. Most newborns will eat every two to three hours around the clock.

>In early sobriety from my eating disorder eating has been crucial, uh duh. Self care is a primary focus to stay sober.


Tasting and smelling
Your baby already has a developed sense of taste. In fact, newborns seem to have more taste buds than adults do. Sensitivity to sweet and bitter tastes is present at birth.


>A SENSE OF WHAT COULD BE! (perhaps, maybe I'm stretching this a bit). LOL

Heres the point of the post; I am learning a lot. I am also learning to listen to the stories of others...instead of drowning in my own stories and self pity. I am blessed. I AM BLESSED to be able to see and hear again (or for the first time).

Five days sober is a beginning. I am realistic that to maintain a life I must maintain my sobriety longer then five days.

God keep us strong.

-Hannah

Recovery; the journey

"The Proverb has it that
The way of light often looks dark.
The way that goes forward appears to go backward.
The flat path looks hilly.
The power that is lofty looks like an abyss.
The power that stands firm looks flimsy.
What is in its pure state looks faded.
Great talents ripen late.
Great sound is silent.
Great form is shapeless.
The Tao is hidden and nameless.
Yet it alone knows how to render help and fulfill."

Oy Vey

These past few days I've felt so overwhelmed.

Fall and winter although my favorite times of years are also the times when I engage in the eating disorder the most...or crave it the most.

I feel like I havent worked the steps properly. I thought I was suppose to have the obsession taken away. Tonight a very large part of me (albeit the part that is bloated and added poundaged) wants the anorexia back.

Thing is I know that I can't have my life and have an eating disorder. I know that I cant have friends, or a job, or school or a dog if I have the eating disorder taking up all my time...but tonight...there is apart of me that wishes I could have both.

This is unhealthy talk, I know.

Also my closest friend...sometimes my only friend, we havent been as close this year as we have in the past. She too has an eating disorder. She cares so much about getting into the right school. That is important! but I feel like she has been blowing me off so often. I feel like she doesnt care about me anymore...and that sucks.

I am moving AGAIN...and I have two options. One move into the grove house..and two move into the house next to my fake parents. Here is the problem, my sponsor wants me in one and I want the other.

oy vey

-Hannah

1. Follow Directions, gain sobriety.

What I’ve learned: 1. Following Directions

Following Directions given by my Sponsor and therapist has been one of the biggest factors for me in finding sobriety from the eating disorder. I recently let my therapist, sponsor, and new nutritionist know that I am putting my full trust in them to get me to a healthy place. That is hard. That is hard for anyone but add on control issues, trust issues, trauma, loss etc. it’s no joke. I have spent eight months in the EDA/ABA fellowship. I’ve worked ten of the twelve steps.
I have kicked and screamed while smiling and saying thank you then cursing them under my breath.

Advice: Trust is following directions without hesitation. Trust is hard; but if you are willing to trust someone other then yourself you can recover, you can stay sober.

“WHEN all else fails, follow directions”

I would not be sober if it weren’t for the willingness to follow the direction of my sponsor.

• S.P.O.N.S.O.R= Sober person offering newcomers suggestions on recovery.

I would not be sober if I did not admit I was powerless to my eating disorder and that my life indeed had become unmanageable.

To be Continued…