I am a Youth Director. I work with teens ages 12-18.
A lot of my kids are struggling right now one in particular has been to the ER twice in the past month because of her eating disorder. This is very scary to say the least.
Working with teenagers is hard work and can be very frustrating at times. But I learn so much from them.
This girl struggling with her eating disorder really makes me think hard about my struggles and my recovery.
They say that step 11 you have reached a point of sanity. It is only now that I realize how terrifying my addiction was and how dangerous. There were moments throughout the past six years where I became afraid for my life. I remember spending all night vomiting and then the next morning not being able to move because my potassium and electrolytes were so messed up. I was terrified because I didnt know what was going on with my body, why couldn't I move my legs? why couldn't I get up?
But then I would continue to use the behaviors. No one could stop me, I couldnt stop me. I went into hospital again and again and nothing they said could stop the insanity and the hunger for the addictions high. They did everything they could to get me to stop. They tried to scare me, they tried to keep me in bed, they tried to yell, they tried to talk sweetly, they did everything they knew to do. But it wasnt enough. It is not their fault that they were not enough. The only thing that could relieve me from this madness was a higher power, I know that now.
I came to the program without hope of a solution, I just showed up b/c that was what I was told to do. I didn't believe anything would come from it, I didn't think that it was possible for me to find a sense of sanity and sobriety from this program when all other attempts had failed. I couldn't believe that after all the money that was spent for therapies and treatments that there was any hope. I thought I was just one of the ones that would never get better. I thought I was surely one of the ones that would die from her addiction. Somehow things started to change not all at once but attending meetings every week and listening to those around me who had found sobriety and those who were actively working towards living; my heart began to change...I began to think that maybe it was possible for me to get where they were.
I am alive today, sober and grateful.
-Hannah
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
I am a glad trudger on the road to happy destiny
Hey all, its been a long while since I've last posted on this blog. I know.
I have reached step 11 with my sponsor, and once I finish 11 and 12 that means its about time to start sponsoring people...that is terrifying but exciting all the same. I know that by serving others I will not only be aiding them but also strengthening my own sobriety. By then I will have a little more then a months sobriety under my belt. I'm at 21 days now without acting on any behaviors. Come feb. I will have been in the program for an entire year. A year of trudging the road of happy destiny.
The past two weeks have marked a time where I have felt content in my life. Some anxieties here and there but all and all I have been remarkably okay. My therapist asked me if I had been smoking pot. geeeez. haha I told her no that I just felt calm and that the insanity in my brain was quieter then it has been in a long while.
I want to get on my knees and praise my higher power for saving me. I know I sound like a bible thumper but I really believe I would be dead if it not for that higher power. Too many nights I debated whether or not to kill myself and get it over with, I believed the only way out from the torment of my insane thinking was to kill myself. Oh gosh I do sound like a bible thumper. shrug. What I've learned in the 12 step fellowship is that your higher power can be anything you want it to be! It can be The Great Pumpkin! The point of the higher power (among other things) is to recognize that there is something greater and bigger then you that can save you when you have tried and failed many a time to save yourself. Until I was willing to admit that I couldnt save myself and my higher power could and that I would let him I would have never known a serenity as I do now.
God thank you for sobriety today.
-Hannah
I have reached step 11 with my sponsor, and once I finish 11 and 12 that means its about time to start sponsoring people...that is terrifying but exciting all the same. I know that by serving others I will not only be aiding them but also strengthening my own sobriety. By then I will have a little more then a months sobriety under my belt. I'm at 21 days now without acting on any behaviors. Come feb. I will have been in the program for an entire year. A year of trudging the road of happy destiny.
The past two weeks have marked a time where I have felt content in my life. Some anxieties here and there but all and all I have been remarkably okay. My therapist asked me if I had been smoking pot. geeeez. haha I told her no that I just felt calm and that the insanity in my brain was quieter then it has been in a long while.
I want to get on my knees and praise my higher power for saving me. I know I sound like a bible thumper but I really believe I would be dead if it not for that higher power. Too many nights I debated whether or not to kill myself and get it over with, I believed the only way out from the torment of my insane thinking was to kill myself. Oh gosh I do sound like a bible thumper. shrug. What I've learned in the 12 step fellowship is that your higher power can be anything you want it to be! It can be The Great Pumpkin! The point of the higher power (among other things) is to recognize that there is something greater and bigger then you that can save you when you have tried and failed many a time to save yourself. Until I was willing to admit that I couldnt save myself and my higher power could and that I would let him I would have never known a serenity as I do now.
God thank you for sobriety today.
-Hannah
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