Alive, Sober, and Grateful

I am a Youth Director. I work with teens ages 12-18.

A lot of my kids are struggling right now one in particular has been to the ER twice in the past month because of her eating disorder. This is very scary to say the least.

Working with teenagers is hard work and can be very frustrating at times. But I learn so much from them.

This girl struggling with her eating disorder really makes me think hard about my struggles and my recovery.

They say that step 11 you have reached a point of sanity. It is only now that I realize how terrifying my addiction was and how dangerous. There were moments throughout the past six years where I became afraid for my life. I remember spending all night vomiting and then the next morning not being able to move because my potassium and electrolytes were so messed up. I was terrified because I didnt know what was going on with my body, why couldn't I move my legs? why couldn't I get up?

But then I would continue to use the behaviors. No one could stop me, I couldnt stop me. I went into hospital again and again and nothing they said could stop the insanity and the hunger for the addictions high. They did everything they could to get me to stop. They tried to scare me, they tried to keep me in bed, they tried to yell, they tried to talk sweetly, they did everything they knew to do. But it wasnt enough. It is not their fault that they were not enough. The only thing that could relieve me from this madness was a higher power, I know that now.

I came to the program without hope of a solution, I just showed up b/c that was what I was told to do. I didn't believe anything would come from it, I didn't think that it was possible for me to find a sense of sanity and sobriety from this program when all other attempts had failed. I couldn't believe that after all the money that was spent for therapies and treatments that there was any hope. I thought I was just one of the ones that would never get better. I thought I was surely one of the ones that would die from her addiction. Somehow things started to change not all at once but attending meetings every week and listening to those around me who had found sobriety and those who were actively working towards living; my heart began to change...I began to think that maybe it was possible for me to get where they were.

I am alive today, sober and grateful.

-Hannah