Alive, Sober, and Grateful

I am a Youth Director. I work with teens ages 12-18.

A lot of my kids are struggling right now one in particular has been to the ER twice in the past month because of her eating disorder. This is very scary to say the least.

Working with teenagers is hard work and can be very frustrating at times. But I learn so much from them.

This girl struggling with her eating disorder really makes me think hard about my struggles and my recovery.

They say that step 11 you have reached a point of sanity. It is only now that I realize how terrifying my addiction was and how dangerous. There were moments throughout the past six years where I became afraid for my life. I remember spending all night vomiting and then the next morning not being able to move because my potassium and electrolytes were so messed up. I was terrified because I didnt know what was going on with my body, why couldn't I move my legs? why couldn't I get up?

But then I would continue to use the behaviors. No one could stop me, I couldnt stop me. I went into hospital again and again and nothing they said could stop the insanity and the hunger for the addictions high. They did everything they could to get me to stop. They tried to scare me, they tried to keep me in bed, they tried to yell, they tried to talk sweetly, they did everything they knew to do. But it wasnt enough. It is not their fault that they were not enough. The only thing that could relieve me from this madness was a higher power, I know that now.

I came to the program without hope of a solution, I just showed up b/c that was what I was told to do. I didn't believe anything would come from it, I didn't think that it was possible for me to find a sense of sanity and sobriety from this program when all other attempts had failed. I couldn't believe that after all the money that was spent for therapies and treatments that there was any hope. I thought I was just one of the ones that would never get better. I thought I was surely one of the ones that would die from her addiction. Somehow things started to change not all at once but attending meetings every week and listening to those around me who had found sobriety and those who were actively working towards living; my heart began to change...I began to think that maybe it was possible for me to get where they were.

I am alive today, sober and grateful.

-Hannah

I am a glad trudger on the road to happy destiny

Hey all, its been a long while since I've last posted on this blog. I know.

I have reached step 11 with my sponsor, and once I finish 11 and 12 that means its about time to start sponsoring people...that is terrifying but exciting all the same. I know that by serving others I will not only be aiding them but also strengthening my own sobriety. By then I will have a little more then a months sobriety under my belt. I'm at 21 days now without acting on any behaviors. Come feb. I will have been in the program for an entire year. A year of trudging the road of happy destiny.

The past two weeks have marked a time where I have felt content in my life. Some anxieties here and there but all and all I have been remarkably okay. My therapist asked me if I had been smoking pot. geeeez. haha I told her no that I just felt calm and that the insanity in my brain was quieter then it has been in a long while.

I want to get on my knees and praise my higher power for saving me. I know I sound like a bible thumper but I really believe I would be dead if it not for that higher power. Too many nights I debated whether or not to kill myself and get it over with, I believed the only way out from the torment of my insane thinking was to kill myself. Oh gosh I do sound like a bible thumper. shrug. What I've learned in the 12 step fellowship is that your higher power can be anything you want it to be! It can be The Great Pumpkin! The point of the higher power (among other things) is to recognize that there is something greater and bigger then you that can save you when you have tried and failed many a time to save yourself. Until I was willing to admit that I couldnt save myself and my higher power could and that I would let him I would have never known a serenity as I do now.

God thank you for sobriety today.

-Hannah

I'm THE BABY, gotta love me? five days sober.

It seems it has been a long while since I've posted. My apologies.

I've been on a tilt-a-wirl and have fallen down on my bum. I've spent the last week picking myself up and dusting myself off.

I've been going back over the 12 steps and taking a hard look at them and myself. I'm on step 10 with my sponsor and waiting for the go ahead. I'm learning so much about myself, and so much about life through these meetings and steps. I feel very blessed today. I also recognize that I am only five days sober from all behaviors. I am a five day old baby.

The milestones of a newborn:

"Comfortably curled
Because he was curled up inside your uterus until recently, your newborn baby will probably look scrunched up for a while, with his arms and legs not fully extended. He may even appear bowlegged.

Don't worry: Your baby will stretch out, little by little, and by the time he reaches 6 months, he'll be fully unfurled! In the meantime, as he adjusts to life outside the warm, safe confines of your womb, he may enjoy being wrapped snugly in a light blanket. Find out how to swaddle your baby safely.

> "Your baby will stretch out, little by little, and by the time he reaches six months, he'll be fully unfurled." I cannot wait to reach the stage in my recovery where I am able to comfortably stretch out my arms and legs!

Ruled by hunger and sleep
Food is the most important thing in your newborn's life, with sleep running a close second. Most newborns will eat every two to three hours around the clock.

>In early sobriety from my eating disorder eating has been crucial, uh duh. Self care is a primary focus to stay sober.


Tasting and smelling
Your baby already has a developed sense of taste. In fact, newborns seem to have more taste buds than adults do. Sensitivity to sweet and bitter tastes is present at birth.


>A SENSE OF WHAT COULD BE! (perhaps, maybe I'm stretching this a bit). LOL

Heres the point of the post; I am learning a lot. I am also learning to listen to the stories of others...instead of drowning in my own stories and self pity. I am blessed. I AM BLESSED to be able to see and hear again (or for the first time).

Five days sober is a beginning. I am realistic that to maintain a life I must maintain my sobriety longer then five days.

God keep us strong.

-Hannah

Recovery; the journey

"The Proverb has it that
The way of light often looks dark.
The way that goes forward appears to go backward.
The flat path looks hilly.
The power that is lofty looks like an abyss.
The power that stands firm looks flimsy.
What is in its pure state looks faded.
Great talents ripen late.
Great sound is silent.
Great form is shapeless.
The Tao is hidden and nameless.
Yet it alone knows how to render help and fulfill."

Oy Vey

These past few days I've felt so overwhelmed.

Fall and winter although my favorite times of years are also the times when I engage in the eating disorder the most...or crave it the most.

I feel like I havent worked the steps properly. I thought I was suppose to have the obsession taken away. Tonight a very large part of me (albeit the part that is bloated and added poundaged) wants the anorexia back.

Thing is I know that I can't have my life and have an eating disorder. I know that I cant have friends, or a job, or school or a dog if I have the eating disorder taking up all my time...but tonight...there is apart of me that wishes I could have both.

This is unhealthy talk, I know.

Also my closest friend...sometimes my only friend, we havent been as close this year as we have in the past. She too has an eating disorder. She cares so much about getting into the right school. That is important! but I feel like she has been blowing me off so often. I feel like she doesnt care about me anymore...and that sucks.

I am moving AGAIN...and I have two options. One move into the grove house..and two move into the house next to my fake parents. Here is the problem, my sponsor wants me in one and I want the other.

oy vey

-Hannah

1. Follow Directions, gain sobriety.

What I’ve learned: 1. Following Directions

Following Directions given by my Sponsor and therapist has been one of the biggest factors for me in finding sobriety from the eating disorder. I recently let my therapist, sponsor, and new nutritionist know that I am putting my full trust in them to get me to a healthy place. That is hard. That is hard for anyone but add on control issues, trust issues, trauma, loss etc. it’s no joke. I have spent eight months in the EDA/ABA fellowship. I’ve worked ten of the twelve steps.
I have kicked and screamed while smiling and saying thank you then cursing them under my breath.

Advice: Trust is following directions without hesitation. Trust is hard; but if you are willing to trust someone other then yourself you can recover, you can stay sober.

“WHEN all else fails, follow directions”

I would not be sober if it weren’t for the willingness to follow the direction of my sponsor.

• S.P.O.N.S.O.R= Sober person offering newcomers suggestions on recovery.

I would not be sober if I did not admit I was powerless to my eating disorder and that my life indeed had become unmanageable.

To be Continued…

Gaining Insight in Austin

For my work I was flown down to Austin, Texas.

I really had no idea what to expect. Austin is Arkansas's Little Rock and Washington's Seattle...but still very different. I love Austin.

This weekend I spent with young priests (WHICH WAS AWESOME!) and they took me out and we ate and hung out and I'm going to be honest...I've never felt more normal then when I was sitting there drinking with a priest, a teacher, and a sports fan.

I havent felt so, gawh I dont know how to say this...I felt like all these things that are weighing down on me were lifted if only momentarily. I got to have Austin just to myself, not to all the other things that I constantly think about.

I am going to selfishly claim Austin! It is MINE! haha Finding God in Texas...what a hoot.

For the past few days before coming to Austin I have been so incredibly critical of my body. This morning I looked in the mirror and laughed, yeah I'm curvy now. haha how cool is that. No added comment! no ugh I'm curvy which means I'm fat! ugh no little girls or boys body UGH....there was none of that! NONE OF IT!

I dont know what any of it means, but I'm not going to try to figure it out. I'm just taking it now and relishing in it.

I felt like a woman and I liked it. It was beautiful.

Thank you God for my life, for my woman's body, for friends, and for Austin!