Rock Bottom

I'm in a bitch'y mood.

Why?

Background: I told my therapist and my sponsor that I was going to trust them and do everything they ask me to do. I'm pissed off because its been two weeks without using behaviors and every night its like the bloodiest fucking battle you'll ever see in my head. I'm angry because I can't replace my brain. I'm angry because when I finally decide to trust them to do what is right...it seems even harder. I hit my rock bottom...or did I?

In 12 step you hit your bottom. I understand that to be when THE SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN...and you have seen it and recognized it for what it is. People have different bottoms. For some passing out is enough for a big smack of a wake up call. For some being held down while someone puts a tube down your nose should be enough. For some its simply the willingness to see how fucked up your life and relationships have become b/c of your insane thinking and behaviors towards food etc.

Sometimes I wonder...on nights like these, where the eating disorder thinking is on high I think that perhaps I havent reached my bottom...perhaps I should go back to the anorexia and bulimia so that I could go farther and farther down that road.

But what would be enough? Was being hospitalized six times enough? no. Was being in residential treatment two times enough? no. Was the passing out enough. no no no. the tube? no. being tackled by security guards at the children's hospital for refusing to get back in bed enough? NO. The heart problems? you guessed it NO. My body eating itself NO NO NO. none of this was enough. Even my mother's death wasnt enough to wake me up to how crazy my thinking was.

So what is it that is keeping me from going back to the eating disorder tonight?

I dont know haha. I know that there is something there...something that is holding on to the last bit to see if I can get through it.

I had a choice tonight, I could have skipped dinner but I didnt...but why? When the eating disorder is screaming so loudly in my ear that I truly feel as if I am going to explode...why did I eat dinner? The eating disorder was louder then "healthy Hannah" so WHY did I eat dinner?

A few things come to mind but dont seem to fit all together:

*I told my sponsor and therapist that I would follow their directions, that I would trust them. (in the past this wouldnt have meant shit. So why does it now?)
*the conversation I had with someone I made amends to.
*perhaps that there at this point is no turning back......

There are moments where I decide fuck this recovery shit, I"m gonna go straight back to the safety of the eating disorder....heres the thing....I'm not sure I can bear it. This is what makes this moment in my life so unbearable.

Its a struggle to be in recovery and its also a struggle to be in my eating disorder. As much as I cringe at the thought of trusting other people I also cringe at the action of vomiting again....or missing a meal.

Food is medicine.

My body and brain have PTSD because of all the years I abused it. So when I skip a meal its like no time has passed at all and they react to it...meaning for me that I become anxious, depressed, exhausted, angry, moody etc. etc. etc. at the snap of a finger when I have missed fueling time.

Right now I feel unsure about where I'm going with my life...and that is frustrating...b/c if I don't have a point then why the hell am I trying to recover...?! I have no idea who I am...that scares me.

God help me.

-Hannah