The Way of the Wolf:Greetings fellow earthlings!

I hate starting new blogs...mostly because I never know how to begin them.

Hi, I'm Hannah and I am living in a life of stumbling recovery. I mean to say I am...hmmm. When I was 17years old I was diagnosed with anorexia/bulimia. I always try to do this blog thing about my recovery...then I feel shy about it. I have other blogs...one is about my dog Mollie. It is so much easier to write about a puppy eating your things then to write about recovery from an eating disorder. People don't look at you like your crazy because your dog ate your Game of Thrones book (just sayin')...

I'm 22 years old now. I've been in and out of treatments. Right now I am seeing my therapist who costs a pretty penny. She is out of network. I'm financially independent...which just means I got shit for money but I am not supported by my Dad's income.

I withdrew from college to focus on figuring life out...or just how to stay sober in my eating disorder.

I went to Carolina House for eating disorders twice, and have done the hospital thing six times. I've gained weight, I've lost weight, and done it all over again. I've been fat, thin, skinny, blimp all in one sitting.

I've done all the therapies and programs out there...at least it feels that way: animals, art, dance, shake your soul, DBT, one on one, family, fear foods, food and feelings, Celebrate Recovery, 12 step, OA, EDA, screaming, crying, laughing, running, hitting, etc. etc. etc. SO I guess I've been around the block.


I've been told the way to a happy life is:

*lose weight
*gain weight
*laugh more
*cry more
*cry less
*more grains
*less grains
*more veggies
*an apple a day keeps the doc away.
*God
*prayer
*support
*lose weight
*gain weight
*ensure
*boost
*lose weight
*gain weight

I use to do art. I was pretty damn good too. But after my mother died when I was 19 I lost all desire to paint...instead I put all my thoughts into self destruction.

Now here we are....I am 22 years old. I am financially independent. I am in a stumbling recovery of an addiction to self destruct.

I texted my therapist (yes indeed I texted her! you get a few extra bonuses when your therapist costs an arm and a leg), and asked her if she could help me make an appt. with an old nutritionist I saw like twice. This marks a very scary time in my life...that I am willing to go see a nutritionist in the state I'm in. Let me explain.

I am no longer that anorexic girl...I am not being asked to gain weight (which in my insane thinking is very validating, that is being asked to gain) instead this past year after I discovered the effects of alcohol and bread and butter...I have put on weight that to my horror quickly went past the maintenance weight suggested. I am not obese...but I am uncomfortable. I am willing to go to a nutritionist to hear what she has to say...but me being me I have already decided that she will call me a fatty and how much of a disgrace I am....okay maybe thats the insane thinking...perhaps she will not say that...

I am afraid of people telling me how to be happy...I am afraid that they are wrong. I am afraid that they are angry with me.

God give us strength to do the work we know we gotta do.

thanks,
-Hannah-