Theres no place like home.

Due to having shit for money...

I'm having to move into the grove house (which is one of my dad's houses he left behind when he moved away.) It sounds great right? WRONG!
this house is not the best environment for me in terms of my emotional health. When my dad left, he left me living all alone in that house. I got sick, really sick. I lost weight, fast...I wasnt really functioning.

Heres the thing. I'm not moving in the house on my own this time. My older brother and older sister live there. I love my family...I also recognize that I am a bit of a control freak with OCD.

I have two days to move in. I don't know how this is going to go.

This house is dark and dank. It's falling apart. Its depressing.

Groan, also my therapist wants to weigh me tomorrow. I dont want her to weigh me. I dont want anyone to weigh me.

I've moved six times in the last year. I've lived in my car. I've couch surfed like no other. I've driven around in my car for a few months with my entire life packed up in the back. I don't really have a place thats mine...I guess a home; I haven't in a long time. Thats so sad and sometimes makes me angry. Sometimes I pity myself...but I'm trying not to. I at least have a car. I have good people in my life. I have my life. I'm sober from my eating disorder. I have a great dog.

You know a lot of the time I dont have a place to stay b/c I find it very difficult to stay anywhere too long. You see...I'm really used to people leaving me, I guess. I guess when I start to relax is the time I start to not relax...if that makes any sense. I'm not familiar with stability ha.

I was born to a middle class family. To parents, both who were priests, and both loved each other and their children so much. We were THE family. We sat down for dinner every night. We went to siblings soccer games and plays. We supported each other. Sure we had our fights, but we were still THE family that all the troubled people came to in their time of desperation.

WTF happend! Well...a lot...AND THEN my mother died. We were "normal". And now I'm 22 years old, living on my own, trying to pay for school, therapy, meds, old doctor bills, etc. etc. etc. I'm 22 and I dont have a home base. I dont have these things I thought would and could never be taken away from me.

My Dad married some other lady...her family welcomed him in with open arms. He was hurt, he was broken and they took him in and helped him I think. Thing is...he left us. He left us for them. I know that my Dad loves me. I know that my Dad loves my siblings. I think he had to leave...I dont think he had a choice. I love my father. I want him to be happy. I want him to be healthy, and right now he is. He loves me, he left me...but I'm okay with that now.

I don't feel too connected with my family...I hope that by moving into the grove house I will be able to reconnect with my older siblings. maybe...maybe not (shrug).

-Hannah